I Had a Missed Miscarriage- My Unexpected Story

When I found out I was pregnant for a second time, it was the best Christmas Eve surprise. Little did we know this journey was going to teach us about a missed miscarriage and all that comes with this loss.

Our Story of a Missed Miscarriage
Our Story of a Missed Miscarriage

A Christmas Present We Didn’t Expect

Getting pregnant wasn’t something that happened super fast for me. It took four or five months to conceive our first son, and as I type that out after waiting over a year for our second son, I am thankful and feel blessed it only took that long the first time. 

When I found out I was pregnant a second time, it was the best Christmas Eve surprise. I decided to take a test on Christmas Eve because I was feeling heaviness and cramping in my lower belly. I wasn’t late yet. We also recently decided that we were not going to “try” for a second child, but we weren’t going to prevent it. The process of trying to conceive is way too stressful on my husband and I. 

When I saw 2 pink lines, I was shocked and so excited that it happened stress free this time. I decided to hide it on Christmas Eve and to put the test in my husband’s stocking for Christmas morning.

I woke up with butterflies fluttering around in my stomach on Christmas morning. I was shaking when he grabbed his stocking off of the fireplace. We had my phone propped up so it would record Christmas morning as we always did. I can remember him grabbing it, pulling it out, and being in complete shock.

We did it. We were going to be a family of 4 next Christmas!

The First Doctor Visit

Soon after, I called my doctor and made an appointment for a blood test. The results came in to confirm a pregnancy. Our next step was to wait until I was about 8 weeks for the first doctor visit and an ultrasound appointment. 

It was a cold, snowy day when my husband, my son, and I went to the doctor so we could see our little babe. I was so excited for my first son, Levi, to be with us so he could see his sibling for the first time! (Even though he was only 1 years old and had no idea where he even was)

My bladder was full and we were in a warm ultrasound room with excitement. I remember thinking that the ultrasound tech was really quiet and not engaging with us at all. I wasn’t a fan of her.

By the time she was done, it was past dinner time and our toddler was hungry and tired. So my husband took him home since we drove there separately. 

I was in the waiting room holding our ultrasound pictures, when a nurse called me into the room. (This appointment was not with my doctor, it was with a nurse practitioner, as the practice I go to has several people you can see if your doc isn’t available.) When she walked into the room, her first words were something like, “I’m so sorry to tell you this, but it looks like you may have had a missed miscarriage.” 

I was in complete shock and my heart just started beating really quickly. I don’t remember much after that other than she wanted me to take another blood test so they could check my hormone levels then and in 48 hours. I cried as they took samples.

Our Story of a Missed Miscarriage

When The Waiting Was Over

Those 48 hours felt like a year. I had no physical symptoms of a miscarriage. I was incredibly nauseous, more so than I was in my first pregnancy. So I was hopeful that they were wrong. I felt very pregnant. Heavy in the lower stomach, tired, and nauseous. My blood test came back with an increase in HCG levels. I was hopeful. 

After a second ultrasound, my doctor came into the room and said, “this is the hardest part of my job.” It was determined that there had been no more growth of the baby. It only measured about 6 weeks. They were not able to detect a heartbeat either. I should have been measuring much further along by now.

My Options With A Missed Miscarriage

I then learned that this is known as a missed or incomplete miscarriage. My HCG levels were unexpectedly high thought, which isn’t exactly normal with a miscarriage. She said these levels are what you would see if I had multiples, a molar pregnancy, or was 7-8 months pregnant. Because of these high levels, my nausea just got worse by the day. 

There really wasn’t an explanation for this miscarriage. Google may tell you that something was wrong with the embryo, or that it wasn’t going to be a health pregnancy. I chose to believe that it was not our time for another child and that there was probably a defect with the embryo. God will only know.

My doctor gave me the option to wait for my body to miscarry naturally or to have surgery. If I waited, it could be painful and she had no idea when it would happen. I chose to have a dilation and curettage (D&C). This is a procedure to remove the tissue from inside my uterus. I prayed my body would start to miscarry that night. I wanted to be sure surgery was the right choice.

The morning of the surgery I was frozen with emotion, nauseous, and feeling pregnant. I was nervous about the surgery and if I was making the right decision. I asked if they would check again to be sure before they did the removal. 

Given the circumstances, the surgery went as planned with no complications. When I woke up, the nausea was totally gone. I broke down in tears with the realization that I was no longer pregnant while in the recovery room. The tears also oddly felt relieving.

What Comes After A Miscarriage

I knew this would be hard, but no one tells you about all of the hard times to come. 

Pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, due dates passing, seeing women who are pregnant, watching our Christmas morning video a year later, but for me one of the hardest parts was the time right after our loss. 

In our society, for some reason waiting until you are 12 weeks to tell people is a thing a lot of women choose to do. Here is what I’ve learned about that. If you do lose the baby before then, what do you tell people when they ask you how it’s going? Suffer in silence? Deal with it privately? Spill to them that you were pregnant, but you aren’t anymore.This just felt odd to me. 

If someone asked me how I was doing, it felt wrong to say, “okay,” but then it also felt strange to dump, “oh I just had a miscarriage and recovering from surgery,” on them. All I’m saying is I would rather celebrate early with people and grieve together, than to lie and hide it all. 

Something you just don’t think about unless this happens. I’m not saying I would make a social media post right after a positive pregnancy test, but I would certainly tell my family, friends, and the people I see often. This way I could avoid this strange time and grieve together.

Our Good News

A little over a year after this happened, I saw two pink lines again. My doctor advised us to wait at least a couple months before trying again. So after that timeframe, we again went with the “not trying, but trying to conceive” method. If you’ve been there you know what I’m talking about.

All of the worries came back. This time, I took this worry to God. This entire journey actually strengthened my faith more than ever. I had never been so dedicated to prayer and reading scripture in my life. I gave this all to God. If we were supposed to have another child, it would happen. 

We welcomed our rainbow baby boy in October 2020. 

I share our story to give hope to those reading who are experiencing infertility of any kind.

What You Can Do After a Miscarriage

Feel all the feelings. You are going to go through the stages of grief: denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, acceptance and hope. Lean on those who are close to you. Seek out a therapist to talk through your feelings. It is ok not to be ok. You did nothing wrong.

Something I didn’t consider then was naming the baby. It feels odd to do this now, almost 2 years later, but I am considering it. At the time, it felt like it was too early to do this. Now I wish we had. I would have a name to use rather than saying the baby we lost. It also feels unfair now that we didn’t do it.

how to show your support to someone who had a miscarriage

Ways you can show support to someone who has had a miscarriage

Offer a meal, call them to chat, or gift a token of remembrance. I have seen some beautiful pieces of artwork, jewelry, or home décor that someone can have in remembrance of that child. Again, something I didn’t know about at the time. Follow Laurelbox and Everymamasheart on Instagram for great gift ideas. 

what to say to someone who had a miscarriage
8 Things People Think They should Say, But Don’t, Just Don’t Say It:
  • Let me know how I can help (Just offer something)
  • Everything happens for a reason
  • This is so common
  • At least you got pregnant
  • You are lucky you are young
  • At least you were early
  • You can try again soon
  • Maybe it’s better this way

Just no. Don’t do it. Anything that could minimize the pain they are feeling or the permanent loss they are experiencing, just shouldn’t be said. 

When someone hears about another person’s loss, they often think, what do I say or what do I do? Here’s the thing. It’s not about you. Be there for them, check in on them, comfort them. Nothing you will say or do will bring their baby back.

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